What's Your Default Posture?

If I could choose one word to sum up my life right now, it would be transition.  Transition means that something-or many things-are changing, but the process of change has not yet been completed.  It's that painful, uncomfortable in-between phase when you're caught in the middle of two places at once, not fully in either place.  And change is hard for me.  I have learned to not like change.  I have learned to not trust the ones who make changes that affect me.  So when change comes, along comes a whirlwind of emotion.  In the whirlwind is fear, uncertainty, anxiety, loneliness.  A bunch of yucky things that I would rather not wallow in by further elaborating.  But you get the picture.

In this season of my life, little actually makes clear sense...yet.  Since it is a transition, I have not arrived to the "other side" of the change.  It's still in progress.  And sure, we can make the case that our entire life is one big transition and we won't get to the "other side" until we reach heaven.  No dispute there.  But what I am talking about here are the smaller, yet very big-seeming at the time, transitions of change throughout life.  Maybe you are going through some major life transitions yourself.  Perhaps you just had your first baby, or just had a baby period.  Or your youngest child is in their first year of school and you no longer have kids at home with you during the day.  Maybe the empty nest is right around the corner for you.  Or you just got married.  Maybe you've moved away from the place you call home or you got a new job or you've retired.  Whatever your transition is, I bet you can relate to feeling caught up in a whirlwind of less than desirable emotions.

The resounding question in my mind during this season has been, "What's my default posture?"  In other words, what's my "go-to".  When life doesn't make sense yet, when I can't see what God is doing yet, when it hasn't come around full circle yet, how do I cope in the meantime?  How do you cope?  How do we keep ourselves "okay" as we make our way through seasons of uncertainty and instability?  Maybe we would think to pray more or delve deeper and more frequently into God's word or do some other form of work to help ourselves feel more under control or at peace.  And those may very well help also.  But you know what I have found to be my best posture for times like these?  Sitting.  Or laying.  In God's presence.  That's right, I don't do anything.  Even if only for a few moments, I cease to strive and I end up thriving in the midst of it all.

Did you know that He delights in our doing this very thing?  Did you know that He wants us to sit with Him and that He waits for us to do so?  The essence of relationship is being with someone.  The doing, the works, should be an outpouring of our being.  And when we just sit with Jesus and spend time with Him, not trying to please Him or expecting anything from Him, but having only the intent to deepen the relationship, something amazing happens.  He rubs off on us.  The King of the universe rubs off on us.  His very nature and character is peace, stability, consistency, predictability, love, joy, faithfulness and a million other things!  So the more time I spend just letting His nature rub off on me, the more I will become like Him.  The more I am able to have a peaceful posture when chaos surrounds.  And that my friends, is my recipe for dealing with all the unexpected that life throws at us!  Won't you take a seat at His table?  He is waiting for you, Beloved.         

  

       

Information Overload

Thank God for Google.  It really is cool and amazing that we have any tidbit of knowledge available at just the click of a mouse (or tap of the finger for us smart phone users) .  If I want to find a recipe that uses truffle oil, I can Google it and countless options come up within seconds.  If my baby has a fever, I can find out when it's serious enough to call the doctor.  If I want to know the best way to fold a fitted sheet or how to make a burlap flower, I can look it up and watch a video showing how to do it in step-by-step fashion.  Facebook even offers a wide range of information and articles on all subjects to read, and not to mention all the thoughts and obscure details in the life of the individual.  The sky is the limit when it comes to what's available on the internet.

But with that I have a confession to make... Lately all this readily available information has been somewhat of a downfall for me as well.  Not only is there a lot of good factual information out there that is helpful, there are also a LOT of opinions.  On every subject.  Like food choices, parenting styles, how to discipline (or not discipline) your kids, theology, handling money... The list is endless really.  These are just a couple of the biggies.

Let's use food as an example. I may read an article about how we must eat all organic, free-range, grain-fed, meat, dairy and eggs with no hormones and no antibiotics, purchased from a local farmer who raises their animals humanely.  Then the next day I read an article about couponing and cutting costs at the grocery store and how I could save so much money by purchasing from certain stores or certain brands.  The two articles cause me to become conflicted.  I feel like I should eat healthier, but I also feel like I should save some money on groceries.  The point I am trying to make is that the information overload can cause confusion.

The problem for me with spending too much time reading about what other people think and say about things is that I often miss what God is saying to me about it.  This also applies when we're not being careful about whose opinions we seek and listen to.  James 1:5-8 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all his ways."  Who or what do we go to first when we have a question?  What you just read says that if we ask God for wisdom, He gives it to us liberally...when we believe and not doubt.  Having too many opinions swirling around in our minds can lead to doubt so quickly!

So here's what I have been doing: I have been taking an unofficial fast from mindlessly reading articles and listening to opinions.  In doing this, the interference in my connection line with the Holy Spirit has been diminishing.  I am better able to hear His direction for things in my life.  I am learning to make more confident decisions this way because I know that my new-developing confidence is coming from the Giver of confidence Himself.  Care to join me on this journey?

...We Can Make it if We Try

CJ and I always hung onto every word the wise couple said.  Pastors Shawn and Heidi were our premarital counselors, and to this day, we still take the three-hour long trip to see them when we come to a hurdle in our marriage that we can't clear on our own.  They have also become dear friends whom we hold close to our hearts.  During one of our premarital meetings, I remember I was sitting at the dining room table as they went on to say, "On your wedding day, you will become the Perry family.  Any children you have in the future will be welcome additions to your family.  But the two of you will be a family."  

The two of us a family.  Seems a bit foreign considering that we typically talk about "starting a family" once we have children.  Picture just you and your husband as a family.  You will again be a family of two once your kids leave the house, and most certainly when they "leave and cleave" to their own future spouses.  What will become of the two of you when that does happen?  Does it make you excited just thinking about it?  Or do you get a pit in your stomach wondering what on earth you will spend your days doing and talking about when the kids are not center stage in your life any longer?  If you are feeling less than excited, then I assure you Beloved, there is hope!

Just as we go from glory to glory in our walk with the Lord, our lives can get better and better with each passing year.  Maybe we have a tendency to think and fear that our best days are behind us, but I believe that our best days are ahead of us.  With each season of life, God has something special to give us.  We just have to look for it and be open to receive it.  So it is when we think about the day when we will be a family of two again after our children have grown and left.  Why should those of us with littles be thinking about this now?  Because now is the time that we are building the life we will have when that day comes.

Here are some things that we do to keep "just the two of us" in that spot of looking forward to our time together as empty nesters:

We dream together.  I once heard it said that it doesn't matter whether or not you become the prime minister of Malasia (if they even have a prime minister lol!).  Just dream about what could be, whether it is realistic or not.  Husbands especially need the freedom to do this.  Dream about what you plan to do together during that time.  

We have regular dates.  This is a must!  Keeping your relationship a priority not only strengthens your marriage, but helps your kids feel secure.  Their world feels okay when they know that Mom and Dad are okay.  Dates help keep us unified and the communication flowing. 

We maintain our friendship.  Be each others' best friend.  Do things together side-by-side, things that you both enjoy doing together.  There are seasons and times when romance is scarce, but you can always have your friendship if you sow into it regularly!

We are sexually intimate.  Do not let this part of your relationship slide.  Sexual intimacy builds strong and secure walls of protection around your marriage that you need to be there.  If this area is something you dread or is less than satisfying, please seek the help and counsel you need.

We laugh!  Keep things light and fun.  Even when we are in a fight, we cannot keep straight faces for very long.  So we usually try not to look at each other because once we do, it's all over!  Try not to take each other or your circumstances too seriously. 

I hope that sheds some light and helps!  Now go schedule a date night with your man!

Letting Go of Poop

From day one of having my first baby, I became concerned with poop.  It started with those charts the nurses gave me at the hospital with spots to fill in precisely when baby poops (and pees, eats, breathes, moves, etc.).  You remember those?  Medically necessary, they said.  If not careful though, this little sheet has the potential to lead to the baby's bowel movements becoming the lead occupier of space in your mind.  Did the baby poop?  Does she need to poop?  Why hasn't she pooped yet?  Does that color look right?  No, definitely doesn't look right.  Isn't it supposed to be a mustard-yellow color?  What kind of mustard exactly though?  Something must be wrong.  On and on it goes.  And once the poop chronicles begin, they truly seem to never end.  It seems that I have more encounters with poop everyday before 9am than most people do in an entire week.  So you understand the obsession then?  Okay good!  I thought you would :)

Anyway, fast forward four years.  FOUR YEARS.  Yes, I am still concerned with my daughter's elimination habits.  The musings of the past have just morphed into a full-on boot camp.  Did you use the potty?  Have you gone poop yet?  You're not getting off that toilet until you poop!  Of course I could come up with every excuse under the sun as to why this is okay and normal and natural... But I really need to let it go.  I do.  It's time.  And you know what I've discovered in this process?  It's really not about poop, as much as this mom thing deals with monitoring, cleanup and disposal of feces.  It's about control.  I want to be in control.  So does my daughter.  And so the power struggle began and continues.  Unfortunately and embarrassingly for me, this whole thing shows its ugly head THIS way.  By way of poop.  (I blame the hospital).

Someone once told me that a power struggle is like playing tug-of-war with another person.  The struggle continues as long as both people are holding onto the rope and pulling.  One way to end the struggle is for one person to drop the rope.  That said, I am here holding my end of the rope once again pulling in attempt to win a battle that really shouldn't be worth winning.   A battle of control.  To try and prove (to whomever, probably myself) that I am in control.  Instead of allowing her some freedom and control over herself and her actions, I attempt to create an ideal that I am in control of everything she does.  This is no bueno, and quite false actually.  Because the reality is, I don't control her.  I can't and I never will.  And I have to come to terms with the fact that she has her own will.  Now, I do believe that it is my job to train her will in the proper direction.  I can't just let her go hog wild and haywire in the name of freedom and choices.  But can I ease up a bit?  Maybe drop the rope on this issue?  On other issues too perhaps?

The thing is, I think I need to let my kids own some things.  Their mistakes.  Their victories.  They need to be able to make mistakes and have success without me always taking responsibility for it.  You know, drop the rope and let them do what they will and experience some natural consequences of choice.  This requires some letting go on my part, which is no easy task.  And so I have thus found that parenting is possibly God's sharpest refining tool. 

What about you, Beloved?  Do you have an area with your child that is a constant source of contention for the two of you?  Is there a rope that you need to drop today?  Invite the Holy Spirit to speak to you about the concerns of your heart.  He's always available!

A Time To Dream

The day marked the beginning of an end for me.  The day I put my youngest daughter in the church nursery for the first time during service.  She had been crawling and holding her own pretty well, so I felt like she was ready.  It was a milestone day of sorts because for the past five years (straight), I have been holding a baby either in my womb or in my arms (and sometimes both) while I was in church.  For me it symbolized the coming end of one season and the beginning of the next, as we are quite possibly done having children.  The coming end of a season where I will have had a baby attached to me in some way.  While I have desperately wanted and needed my own space at times, there is something indescribably sweet and precious about these years that will be forever fondly remembered as well.   

It's so easy to find our identity in the thing we are pouring our very lives into at the moment.  Mothering is a common culprit.  The day in day out caring for our children can make it difficult to find ourselves as separate individuals who have interests and dreams and needs outside of mothering.  I have found myself thinking about this lately, and how maybe "one day" I will have more time to do such and such.  I can't help but wonder, What will I do with myself when they don't need me so desperately and so constantly?  It is quite possible that also I have no idea what I am talking about.  Us stay at home moms of littles are known for mistakenly thinking that when our kids get into school we will have all the time in the world to do whatsoever we want.  I guess I'll see when I get there!  But for now, I am here, wondering and thinking about what will occupy my time when that time comes.  Or even, just what I will do with my thoughts when I have some free time to think without being interrupted every three seconds. 

I think it is important to keep up on this.  These dreams of our own.  Our passions.  The injustices we want to see made right.  Because one day, we will have more time, albeit maybe not a lot more.  But more nonetheless.  We must keep ourselves intact during this time, because mom is only one facet of who we are and who we will be.  Maybe the you underneath the mom is buried and she needs to be dug out.  I promise you she's still in there!  And if you take the time to find her and nurture her and care for her the way you do with those precious ones of yours, I think your life will be more satisfying and full.  

These years of being home have caused me to feel deeply and truly some of the things that are important to the heart of God.  You know, some things that He isn't okay with in our world, that I too have become not okay with.  And I certainly want to do so much to change those things.  But I have also come to understand that, for me, now is not the season for that.  Now is the season of letting my dreams and desires simmer and develop fully while I keep my main focus on the ones I have been entrusted with first.  I guess what I am trying to say is that now is a season of sacrifice for the sake of my children.  For the sake of my relationship with them.  For the sake of their own security and self-concept.  And friends, if you are in the same boat as I am, that is okay.  "To everything there is a season..."    

None of That Other Stuff Really Matters

I was having another pajama day.  You know, the days where I didn't quite make it into regular clothes and remained in my pajamas all day.  Okay, okay... So it was a pajama week.  There, I said it.  This whole scenario had actually been recurring, and much more frequently than I would have liked.  Life happens sometimes.  On this particular day, my husband walked in the door from work while I was at the stove preparing dinner.  I inwardly sighed about my disheveled appearance and said to him, "I'm sorry I'm still in my pajamas and still have no make up on."  As a side note I should say that I know my husband loves me inside out, top to bottom, through and through, make up or no make up.  But I also know he really appreciates when I take care of myself and look nice for him.  He lovingly looks at me and says, "Babe, none of that really matters to me as long as you have a good attitude."  This response surprised me actually.  Not at all what I expecting.

It's gotten me thinking about attitude though.  My husband has always been a firm believer in choosing how you feel, which is really choosing your attitude.  And I have typically fought him on this issue, especially when my emotions are high.  But for some reason what he said that day really hit me.  I think it is possible to choose my attitude, regardless of how my day went, what the kids did, what the bank account looks like, etc.  It's possible; I didn't say easy.  So to assist us in our choosing at the marketplace of attitudes, I have put together some practical applications on how to have a good one. Here they are:

1) Make a declaration about your attitude.  Before (or even in the moment) there is an opportunity for some situation or circumstance to spoil your attitude, declare to yourself and those around you that you will have a good attitude today.  Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue.  And those who love it will eat its fruit."

2) Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what the real problem is.  Often times the problem that we see isn't really the problem.  Why are you having a bad attitude?  The Father loves to speak to His children.  Spend some time talking to Him and He will show you what's going on.  He will also give you the solution.

3) Choose to smile!  There have been studies done proving that smiling improves overal attitude and demeanor.  Not to mention that it's easier on the facial muscles! http://www.livestrong.com/article/18859-health-benefits-smiling/

Give these a try for a couple weeks and let me know how much your attitude has improved (and if your husband notices ;)

Proof that God is Crazy About His Kids

My heart could burst sometimes when I look at my babies and I am so in love with them. Sometimes I am utterly and completely overwhelmed with how incredible and precious and beautiful they are. My heart fills to overflowing and I can't contain how I feel. There are simply no words adequate enough to express this in full. I was just gazing in awe at a picture of my precious Thea and how much this feeling was overtaking me just as I was looking at it.

Then my mind went to Daddy God. He's my Father and I came from Him. Could He be feeling that same thing when He looks at me? Could He be so madly in love with my very existence too? The way I smile and laugh. How I am moved to compassion when I see someone who is hurting. How my eyebrows furrow when I'm deep in thought, as I am often. Even how I get all out of whack when something doesn't go as I think it should go. Could I possibly turn the head of the God of the universe? Could He really notice me in that way?

And what if God made and designed mothering to, in part, reveal this to us? It's as if He is saying, "See! This is how I feel about you! This is what I think of you! When you fall head over heels in love with this precious little one, think of Me. Think of how much I love you." 

Mothering is a gift. From God. To you. And me. I think He designed motherhood to speak of His undying, pure and sacrificial love for us to see in a tangible way in our life here on earth. I'm sure there are other ways too. All of creation tells of His glory and wonder. But what is it about a mom and her baby, when the two are nose-to-nose gazing into each others eyes in a way that only the two can? A picture of God the Father loving ever so tenderly on His beloved children who are safe in His arms. 

Psalm 103:13 

As a father pities his children, so the LORD pities those who fear Him.  

(Quick side note study on the word "pities" in this verse-Hebrew word racham meaning: to love deeply, to feel or show compassion, to tenderly regard someone, to tenderly love (especially as parents love their infant child.))