The day marked the beginning of an end for me. The day I put my youngest daughter in the church nursery for the first time during service. She had been crawling and holding her own pretty well, so I felt like she was ready. It was a milestone day of sorts because for the past five years (straight), I have been holding a baby either in my womb or in my arms (and sometimes both) while I was in church. For me it symbolized the coming end of one season and the beginning of the next, as we are quite possibly done having children. The coming end of a season where I will have had a baby attached to me in some way. While I have desperately wanted and needed my own space at times, there is something indescribably sweet and precious about these years that will be forever fondly remembered as well.
It's so easy to find our identity in the thing we are pouring our very lives into at the moment. Mothering is a common culprit. The day in day out caring for our children can make it difficult to find ourselves as separate individuals who have interests and dreams and needs outside of mothering. I have found myself thinking about this lately, and how maybe "one day" I will have more time to do such and such. I can't help but wonder, What will I do with myself when they don't need me so desperately and so constantly? It is quite possible that also I have no idea what I am talking about. Us stay at home moms of littles are known for mistakenly thinking that when our kids get into school we will have all the time in the world to do whatsoever we want. I guess I'll see when I get there! But for now, I am here, wondering and thinking about what will occupy my time when that time comes. Or even, just what I will do with my thoughts when I have some free time to think without being interrupted every three seconds.
I think it is important to keep up on this. These dreams of our own. Our passions. The injustices we want to see made right. Because one day, we will have more time, albeit maybe not a lot more. But more nonetheless. We must keep ourselves intact during this time, because mom is only one facet of who we are and who we will be. Maybe the you underneath the mom is buried and she needs to be dug out. I promise you she's still in there! And if you take the time to find her and nurture her and care for her the way you do with those precious ones of yours, I think your life will be more satisfying and full.
These years of being home have caused me to feel deeply and truly some of the things that are important to the heart of God. You know, some things that He isn't okay with in our world, that I too have become not okay with. And I certainly want to do so much to change those things. But I have also come to understand that, for me, now is not the season for that. Now is the season of letting my dreams and desires simmer and develop fully while I keep my main focus on the ones I have been entrusted with first. I guess what I am trying to say is that now is a season of sacrifice for the sake of my children. For the sake of my relationship with them. For the sake of their own security and self-concept. And friends, if you are in the same boat as I am, that is okay. "To everything there is a season..."
