...We Can Make it if We Try

CJ and I always hung onto every word the wise couple said.  Pastors Shawn and Heidi were our premarital counselors, and to this day, we still take the three-hour long trip to see them when we come to a hurdle in our marriage that we can't clear on our own.  They have also become dear friends whom we hold close to our hearts.  During one of our premarital meetings, I remember I was sitting at the dining room table as they went on to say, "On your wedding day, you will become the Perry family.  Any children you have in the future will be welcome additions to your family.  But the two of you will be a family."  

The two of us a family.  Seems a bit foreign considering that we typically talk about "starting a family" once we have children.  Picture just you and your husband as a family.  You will again be a family of two once your kids leave the house, and most certainly when they "leave and cleave" to their own future spouses.  What will become of the two of you when that does happen?  Does it make you excited just thinking about it?  Or do you get a pit in your stomach wondering what on earth you will spend your days doing and talking about when the kids are not center stage in your life any longer?  If you are feeling less than excited, then I assure you Beloved, there is hope!

Just as we go from glory to glory in our walk with the Lord, our lives can get better and better with each passing year.  Maybe we have a tendency to think and fear that our best days are behind us, but I believe that our best days are ahead of us.  With each season of life, God has something special to give us.  We just have to look for it and be open to receive it.  So it is when we think about the day when we will be a family of two again after our children have grown and left.  Why should those of us with littles be thinking about this now?  Because now is the time that we are building the life we will have when that day comes.

Here are some things that we do to keep "just the two of us" in that spot of looking forward to our time together as empty nesters:

We dream together.  I once heard it said that it doesn't matter whether or not you become the prime minister of Malasia (if they even have a prime minister lol!).  Just dream about what could be, whether it is realistic or not.  Husbands especially need the freedom to do this.  Dream about what you plan to do together during that time.  

We have regular dates.  This is a must!  Keeping your relationship a priority not only strengthens your marriage, but helps your kids feel secure.  Their world feels okay when they know that Mom and Dad are okay.  Dates help keep us unified and the communication flowing. 

We maintain our friendship.  Be each others' best friend.  Do things together side-by-side, things that you both enjoy doing together.  There are seasons and times when romance is scarce, but you can always have your friendship if you sow into it regularly!

We are sexually intimate.  Do not let this part of your relationship slide.  Sexual intimacy builds strong and secure walls of protection around your marriage that you need to be there.  If this area is something you dread or is less than satisfying, please seek the help and counsel you need.

We laugh!  Keep things light and fun.  Even when we are in a fight, we cannot keep straight faces for very long.  So we usually try not to look at each other because once we do, it's all over!  Try not to take each other or your circumstances too seriously. 

I hope that sheds some light and helps!  Now go schedule a date night with your man!

Letting Go of Poop

From day one of having my first baby, I became concerned with poop.  It started with those charts the nurses gave me at the hospital with spots to fill in precisely when baby poops (and pees, eats, breathes, moves, etc.).  You remember those?  Medically necessary, they said.  If not careful though, this little sheet has the potential to lead to the baby's bowel movements becoming the lead occupier of space in your mind.  Did the baby poop?  Does she need to poop?  Why hasn't she pooped yet?  Does that color look right?  No, definitely doesn't look right.  Isn't it supposed to be a mustard-yellow color?  What kind of mustard exactly though?  Something must be wrong.  On and on it goes.  And once the poop chronicles begin, they truly seem to never end.  It seems that I have more encounters with poop everyday before 9am than most people do in an entire week.  So you understand the obsession then?  Okay good!  I thought you would :)

Anyway, fast forward four years.  FOUR YEARS.  Yes, I am still concerned with my daughter's elimination habits.  The musings of the past have just morphed into a full-on boot camp.  Did you use the potty?  Have you gone poop yet?  You're not getting off that toilet until you poop!  Of course I could come up with every excuse under the sun as to why this is okay and normal and natural... But I really need to let it go.  I do.  It's time.  And you know what I've discovered in this process?  It's really not about poop, as much as this mom thing deals with monitoring, cleanup and disposal of feces.  It's about control.  I want to be in control.  So does my daughter.  And so the power struggle began and continues.  Unfortunately and embarrassingly for me, this whole thing shows its ugly head THIS way.  By way of poop.  (I blame the hospital).

Someone once told me that a power struggle is like playing tug-of-war with another person.  The struggle continues as long as both people are holding onto the rope and pulling.  One way to end the struggle is for one person to drop the rope.  That said, I am here holding my end of the rope once again pulling in attempt to win a battle that really shouldn't be worth winning.   A battle of control.  To try and prove (to whomever, probably myself) that I am in control.  Instead of allowing her some freedom and control over herself and her actions, I attempt to create an ideal that I am in control of everything she does.  This is no bueno, and quite false actually.  Because the reality is, I don't control her.  I can't and I never will.  And I have to come to terms with the fact that she has her own will.  Now, I do believe that it is my job to train her will in the proper direction.  I can't just let her go hog wild and haywire in the name of freedom and choices.  But can I ease up a bit?  Maybe drop the rope on this issue?  On other issues too perhaps?

The thing is, I think I need to let my kids own some things.  Their mistakes.  Their victories.  They need to be able to make mistakes and have success without me always taking responsibility for it.  You know, drop the rope and let them do what they will and experience some natural consequences of choice.  This requires some letting go on my part, which is no easy task.  And so I have thus found that parenting is possibly God's sharpest refining tool. 

What about you, Beloved?  Do you have an area with your child that is a constant source of contention for the two of you?  Is there a rope that you need to drop today?  Invite the Holy Spirit to speak to you about the concerns of your heart.  He's always available!

A Time To Dream

The day marked the beginning of an end for me.  The day I put my youngest daughter in the church nursery for the first time during service.  She had been crawling and holding her own pretty well, so I felt like she was ready.  It was a milestone day of sorts because for the past five years (straight), I have been holding a baby either in my womb or in my arms (and sometimes both) while I was in church.  For me it symbolized the coming end of one season and the beginning of the next, as we are quite possibly done having children.  The coming end of a season where I will have had a baby attached to me in some way.  While I have desperately wanted and needed my own space at times, there is something indescribably sweet and precious about these years that will be forever fondly remembered as well.   

It's so easy to find our identity in the thing we are pouring our very lives into at the moment.  Mothering is a common culprit.  The day in day out caring for our children can make it difficult to find ourselves as separate individuals who have interests and dreams and needs outside of mothering.  I have found myself thinking about this lately, and how maybe "one day" I will have more time to do such and such.  I can't help but wonder, What will I do with myself when they don't need me so desperately and so constantly?  It is quite possible that also I have no idea what I am talking about.  Us stay at home moms of littles are known for mistakenly thinking that when our kids get into school we will have all the time in the world to do whatsoever we want.  I guess I'll see when I get there!  But for now, I am here, wondering and thinking about what will occupy my time when that time comes.  Or even, just what I will do with my thoughts when I have some free time to think without being interrupted every three seconds. 

I think it is important to keep up on this.  These dreams of our own.  Our passions.  The injustices we want to see made right.  Because one day, we will have more time, albeit maybe not a lot more.  But more nonetheless.  We must keep ourselves intact during this time, because mom is only one facet of who we are and who we will be.  Maybe the you underneath the mom is buried and she needs to be dug out.  I promise you she's still in there!  And if you take the time to find her and nurture her and care for her the way you do with those precious ones of yours, I think your life will be more satisfying and full.  

These years of being home have caused me to feel deeply and truly some of the things that are important to the heart of God.  You know, some things that He isn't okay with in our world, that I too have become not okay with.  And I certainly want to do so much to change those things.  But I have also come to understand that, for me, now is not the season for that.  Now is the season of letting my dreams and desires simmer and develop fully while I keep my main focus on the ones I have been entrusted with first.  I guess what I am trying to say is that now is a season of sacrifice for the sake of my children.  For the sake of my relationship with them.  For the sake of their own security and self-concept.  And friends, if you are in the same boat as I am, that is okay.  "To everything there is a season..."    

None of That Other Stuff Really Matters

I was having another pajama day.  You know, the days where I didn't quite make it into regular clothes and remained in my pajamas all day.  Okay, okay... So it was a pajama week.  There, I said it.  This whole scenario had actually been recurring, and much more frequently than I would have liked.  Life happens sometimes.  On this particular day, my husband walked in the door from work while I was at the stove preparing dinner.  I inwardly sighed about my disheveled appearance and said to him, "I'm sorry I'm still in my pajamas and still have no make up on."  As a side note I should say that I know my husband loves me inside out, top to bottom, through and through, make up or no make up.  But I also know he really appreciates when I take care of myself and look nice for him.  He lovingly looks at me and says, "Babe, none of that really matters to me as long as you have a good attitude."  This response surprised me actually.  Not at all what I expecting.

It's gotten me thinking about attitude though.  My husband has always been a firm believer in choosing how you feel, which is really choosing your attitude.  And I have typically fought him on this issue, especially when my emotions are high.  But for some reason what he said that day really hit me.  I think it is possible to choose my attitude, regardless of how my day went, what the kids did, what the bank account looks like, etc.  It's possible; I didn't say easy.  So to assist us in our choosing at the marketplace of attitudes, I have put together some practical applications on how to have a good one. Here they are:

1) Make a declaration about your attitude.  Before (or even in the moment) there is an opportunity for some situation or circumstance to spoil your attitude, declare to yourself and those around you that you will have a good attitude today.  Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue.  And those who love it will eat its fruit."

2) Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what the real problem is.  Often times the problem that we see isn't really the problem.  Why are you having a bad attitude?  The Father loves to speak to His children.  Spend some time talking to Him and He will show you what's going on.  He will also give you the solution.

3) Choose to smile!  There have been studies done proving that smiling improves overal attitude and demeanor.  Not to mention that it's easier on the facial muscles! http://www.livestrong.com/article/18859-health-benefits-smiling/

Give these a try for a couple weeks and let me know how much your attitude has improved (and if your husband notices ;)

Proof that God is Crazy About His Kids

My heart could burst sometimes when I look at my babies and I am so in love with them. Sometimes I am utterly and completely overwhelmed with how incredible and precious and beautiful they are. My heart fills to overflowing and I can't contain how I feel. There are simply no words adequate enough to express this in full. I was just gazing in awe at a picture of my precious Thea and how much this feeling was overtaking me just as I was looking at it.

Then my mind went to Daddy God. He's my Father and I came from Him. Could He be feeling that same thing when He looks at me? Could He be so madly in love with my very existence too? The way I smile and laugh. How I am moved to compassion when I see someone who is hurting. How my eyebrows furrow when I'm deep in thought, as I am often. Even how I get all out of whack when something doesn't go as I think it should go. Could I possibly turn the head of the God of the universe? Could He really notice me in that way?

And what if God made and designed mothering to, in part, reveal this to us? It's as if He is saying, "See! This is how I feel about you! This is what I think of you! When you fall head over heels in love with this precious little one, think of Me. Think of how much I love you." 

Mothering is a gift. From God. To you. And me. I think He designed motherhood to speak of His undying, pure and sacrificial love for us to see in a tangible way in our life here on earth. I'm sure there are other ways too. All of creation tells of His glory and wonder. But what is it about a mom and her baby, when the two are nose-to-nose gazing into each others eyes in a way that only the two can? A picture of God the Father loving ever so tenderly on His beloved children who are safe in His arms. 

Psalm 103:13 

As a father pities his children, so the LORD pities those who fear Him.  

(Quick side note study on the word "pities" in this verse-Hebrew word racham meaning: to love deeply, to feel or show compassion, to tenderly regard someone, to tenderly love (especially as parents love their infant child.))

Mothering By Grace...Like an Eagle

For a moment I considered trying to change the title of my blog to "mothering by grace", but unfortunately it is taken. Bummer. It's pretty catchy. That's how big this epiphany was for me. So I decided to write a post about it instead.

 I remember a time when my oldest daughter was only months old and I was going through a Beth Moore bible study with some ladies at church. I missed that week's meeting so I watched the DVD at home while Addison was soundly napping in her crib. Beth was talking about how some things in each of our lives can seem unreasonably difficult and trying. Those things that we just can't seem to get a grip on and move through.  Over and over again. Do you have those things in your life? I sure do, and mothering happens to be one that I face daily. For me, becoming a confident mom has been just that...a becoming. It's been a process to settle into this role and embrace it with joy and abandon. The warm fuzzies weren't delivered to me with the baby, if you know what I'm saying. So at this point, I was all ears to what Beth had to say.

She went on talking about how those mountains of impossibility that we face are an invitation to walk though them by God's grace. She went as far as saying that it is a huge blessing even to be able to overcome hard circumstances relying solely on His grace. It was one of those moments that I remember so vividly, but yet I didn't really get it.  I didn't understand the magnitude of what she meant until lately.  I feel like I'm just beginning to grasp what grace is at all.

I can tell though when I'm walking in that sweet spot of grace.  I feel supernatural in a sense.  This might be a stretch here for someone, but when I'm in that spot I feel like an eagle.  That's right, I feel like I have a bird's eye view on my circumstances.  Like I'm soaring above the neediness, the tantrums, the constant demands, the endless meal planning and preparation, the continuous dishes and loads of laundry. The tough stuff.  The day to day grind.  The stuff I can't follow through with on my own without going insane.  Like an eagle, I can look down on it all with a different perspective, rather than being in the middle surrounded by what feels like could overcome my very existence.  Instead, I overcome it.  All the while I am at peace in my identity as an eagle, spending my time soaring in the heights far removed from the chaos and clutter down below.

So lately, God's grace in my mothering looks like eagles' wings to me.  What does it look like for you?  “But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint” (Isaiah:40:31). 

       

Flesh problems

When my flesh takes over, I regard no one according to the flesh, including myself... This is how it's supposed to pan out anyway.  I will be honest with you though.  I am having a total flesh day today.  You ever have those?  I have them often.  So this post is really for me; I am just sharing with you what God is speaking to me. 

Lately my life has been marked by fleshly traits such as fatigue, insatiable hunger (breastfeeding mama here), toddler tantrums, impatience, irritability, poopy diapers, more toddler tantrums... You get the idea.  I am not complaining about how all I do is stay at home with needy kids all day and how I need some sort of out or something.  What I am saying though, is that I am made up of flesh.  My children are made up of flesh.  Flesh is everywhere, and I can't escape this reality.  So with that comes all the wonderful realities that flesh carries.  And I am faced with a decision multiple times per day: Do I define myself by who I am in the flesh or by who I am in the Spirit?

Let's take fatigue for example.  I have found myself going on and on about how tired I have been.  Someone asks me how I am doing, and I respond with, "I'm tired."  Being physically tired is a flesh issue.  And while it may be entirely factual that I am tired, there is a greater truth from which I can draw strength.  Matthew 11:28-30 says "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."  

It's all about the power of my mindset and words really.  I have to remind myself many times daily who I am in Christ and what is available to me.  Often times, I begin my day with 1 Corinthians 13.  I am talking to myself (my flesh) and it goes something like this, "I am patient, and I am kind.  I am not easily angered and I keep no record of wrongs.  I bear all things, believe all things, hope all things and endure all things.  God's love in me never fails."  I do this because I know how unruly my flesh likes to get.  And I know how good my kids are at pushing just the right button at just the right time.  So it's like I'm calling a meeting with Me, Myself and I.  Just letting everyone know that the Spirit will be guiding the ship today.

I am not perfect at this, but I do recognize a difference in my day when I regard myself according to the Spirit and not according to my flesh.  And according to God, I am seated in heavenly places with Jesus and I am a co-heir to God's kingdom with Him.  I am more than a conqueror through Him.  I am the head and not the tail; I am above and not beneath.  I prosper and I am in health, just as my soul prospers.  I am His beloved daughter, and He loves to give me good things.  He gives me the desires of my heart.  

 So here is my challenge to you, Beloved daughter of the King... Next time you find yourself feeling too tired to go on, I dare you to declare to your soul that God gives you rest!  And then see what happens! 

Can I Just Have A Minute??? Pleeeeaaase...

Yes, this question is what fills my mind during many minutes throughout my day with three children ages three and under at home with me.  If only I could just sneak in a couple minutes to check Facebook or emails or drink a cup of coffee while it's still hot or... But alas, I am interrupted again.  Interrupted by a baby who wants to be held and played with and acknowledged.  Interrupted by a toddler who needs a snuggle or needs his nose wiped.  Interrupted by a three year old who wants my full and undivided attention while she tells me a story about princess castles and horsies.  This all to familiar scenario brings me to another, more important question: What is the true interruption taking place here?  Are my children interrupting me... Or is there a deficit in my own "need tank", so to speak, that's interrupting my ability to be "all there" when it comes to taking care of them?

Mom, please just hear me out till the end of this post.  I (as do we all) need times alone and away from my children to refresh myself and feel full enough so that what's on the inside of me overflows out onto them.  That's the key though.  I want to overflow onto my children.  But some days, I feel like I have to dig down so deep on the inside of myself just to get the bare minimum of what I need to care for them all and keep a remnant of my sanity.  Some days, my best feels pathetically inadequate compared to the vastness of their needs.  I feel like I fall short over and over and over again.   

Am I speaking anyone's language here?  Or am I the only mom who struggles to make sure I am taking care of me so that I can in turn give my family my best?  I have noticed that I start to claw at every opportunity to catch a break when I have stopped overflowing.  It happens when I am in serious need of some "me time" and I am running of fumes.   

How do we get full enough to trigger the overflow?  And then to remain in overflow mode, if you will.  I have found that it takes work.  It takes planning and intentionality.  It takes realizing that it isn't selfishness; it is the opposite actually.  When you make a deliberate choice to take care of yourself (however that looks for you), you can then give your husband, kids, girlfriends, etc. the very best you have.  They won't get leftovers...or fumes, which stink!  

So what fills you up, friend?  Do you guard nap time and bedtime with your very own life, like I do?  Do you trade kids with a friend once a week and go enjoy a coffee in peace?  Get lost in a novel every once in a while?  Maybe your hubby takes care of the kids one night a week while you go walk around aimlessly at Target (and perhaps spend a few bucks).  Whatever it is that fills you up, do it! Regularly.  Don't wait until you're on fumes to fill up your tank.  And remember on those rough days that God's grace is sufficient for you and your family.  We can only do this mothering thing by His grace anyway!      

Not JUST a stay at home mom

I am very blessed to be able to stay at home with my three precious and full-of-life children.  I genuinely see it this way.  I get to see all of the little-big things they do everyday that essentially make up their growth and development.  I wouldn't trade it for the world!  Of course, I have days when I want to pull my hair out because, let's just be honest here folks-that would be less painful than remaining patient and positive for the duration of their wakeful hours.  Truly, this season has been one of the most refining times my life has ever been through, the hottest furnace I've ever voluntarily walked into.

But you want in on a little secret?  I realized the other day as I was watching the kids play together (and they do so very well, thankfully!) that I am not JUST a stay at home mom.  It was like a Holy Spirit moment; a ray of heaven's light shone through the ceiling and into my living room, and God spoke.  He reminded me of a powerful and profound truth that day.  When I looked over at Addison and Carter and Thea, I saw through their baby faces and saw three world changers.  Top to bottom, through and through.  He reminded me that what I am doing everyday is shaping who they will become as school-age kids, as teenagers, as adults.  I am helping to equip them for the call that God has on their lives to "carry out great exploits in His name" and to represent His love and His kingdom.  My kids have been put on this planet by the God of the universe Himself, and He has a plan and purpose for their lives.  It's up to me during this season to shape and mold their character and show them the heart of their Father God through my parenting.  

I know that this isn't really news.  We as moms all know deep down that what we do with and for our kids is significant and much bigger than ourselves.  But it's easy to feel monotonous and mundane with all the diapers and cereal bowls and constant nagging to stop jumping on the couch and clean up the toys.  The day in, day out tasks required of me as a mother can make it hard to see that I'm doing anything of real and lasting value.  It's like the daily stuff becomes a fog that I must merely survive until the next nap time or bedtime.  So today, I thank God for the reminders that stretch me through these days that are so long, yet so short.  

Can I encourage you, mom in the trenches, that you are a part of something grand and beautiful and bursting at the seams with purpose?  God made YOU and only you to be your child's mom, and you do a better job than anyone else on the planet could do!  Be blessed as you minister to your own little-big world changers!

Believing Truth

Back when my husband and I first met, he truly swept me off my feet.  A million times over.  He would always tell me how beautiful I was and how in love with me he was.  He would comment on how no sunset in all the earth could compare to my beauty.  Picture perfect romance.  There was only one problem.  And that problem was me and my thoughts.  I didn't believe a word of it, nor did I accept it.  I actually rejected those compliments and tried to make a case against them, telling him and myself all the reasons why I was not beautiful or valuable or lovable.  I had a very low opinion of myself then.  So low that I could have sworn he was making up these "too good to be true" accolades.  After continually rejecting his opinion of me verbally, I eventually graduated to being silent and shrugging it off, allowing him to live in la-la land by himself.

Fast forward eight or so years.  We have been married seven years, and he still tells me how beautiful I am almost daily.  But something recently changed.  It was like a light switch turned on inside me.  When he tells me that I'm beautiful I no longer reject it, even to myself.  When he asks, "Do you know that?", I confidently say, "Yeah," and with a smile even.  You see, the power of words is incredible.  I truly feel beautiful.  I mean, sure, I have bad hair days and I generally wish that there was a quick fix for my 'ol muffin top that doesn't involve working out and saying no to cookies.  But on a regular basis, I feel beautiful.  I feel secure about my appearance.  I am no longer ashamed of who I am and how I look on the outside (muffin top and all ;)

This whole testimony got me thinking about what God's opinion of me is.  What His word says about who I am, regardless of how I feel about myself or what someone else said about me.  The husband-wife relationship is an earthly picture of our relationship with Jesus.  And Jesus never sleeps when it comes to romancing our hearts.  He is ever constant in His love for me and for you.

So what about you Beloved?  What truth about yourself are you rejecting today?  You are beautiful and good.  God said so Himself on that last day of creation.  Do you know that?  I challenge you to find out what His word says about you.  In time, you can start to believe it too.